Amy Winehouse’s death in 2011 is the only celebrity death that has ever made me cry. As a rule, I get irritated by this sort of behaviour; sadness, shock and nostalgia are all understandable - I felt all of those when Prince died, for instance, and when George Michael died - but literal weeping over the death of someone you don’t know always seems a bit performative to me. Still, there it was: when I heard on the radio that Winehouse was dead I let out a loud involuntary
I really enjoyed this essay, with the disclaimer that I know next to nothing about Winehouse. I became a Taylor Swift fan when my kids kept constantly asking to listen to her music, which I found I liked—not just for its catchiness, but for its ability to declare to even my jaded 40yo heart that vulnerability and softness do have a place in the modern woman's story. Even when vacillating between the aching hurt in songs like "All Too Well" and the sort of "put your big girl pants and get on with it" battle cry of songs like "Shake It Off," it definitely feels like a truer and fuller picture than what I grew up with. We contain multitudes, etc. etc.
I really related to this part, because it sounds like a description of my depressed, last-girl-at-the-bar 20s: "Over time my own authentic responses became harder and harder to discern, disappearing like underused muscles." I needed those stories of (maybe not passive) acceptance, and of observing quietly and analyzing what's on offer, though. My desperation to cling to *any* little crumb of attention from a man and make too much of it and ignore their actions while making all kinds of assumptions about how they must really "feel" was pitiful, and I wasted too much time on wishy-washy dudes.
It's funny, a big part of me learning how to articulate what I wanted and start setting and keeping boundaries came from watching Sense and Sensibility over and over—the story doesn't judge or condemn either sister, but it does mark wasted time and energy. And I came to see how I personally needed to be a little more Eleanor and a lot less Marianne in how I was going about things. And I also noticed that when reading P&P as a teenager, I thought Charlotte Lucas was nuts. My view softened as I got older and realized she was taking what small amount of agency she had and using it to set herself up in a secure place (even if she had to put up with a ding-dong to get it, he at least was not abusive or anything). And that many women of the time would have only been able to fantasize about such a life. It just helped me see that wild romance is fleeting and is not the only goal in life, which, tbh, was a very important lesson for 20s-me to learn! Haha.
Oh that's so interesting, thanks Tess. I loved 'vulnerability and softness do have a place in the modern woman's story' - yes, yes of course they do. Also hard relate to 'last-girl-at-the-bar'!
Yes Charlotte Lucas is such a wonderful mini-story. As you say, at first you think she's an object of pity. And then as you re-read and get older, you start to think - hang on, I'd much rather be Charlotte than Lydia, or Kitty. At least Charlotte *knows* what her prison looks like, and made an active, well informed choice. (Also makes me think about Ann of Cleves, Henry VIII's 4th wife - for centuries we've all thought of her as 'poor Ann who wasn't pretty enough for Henry' but in fact she lived the rest of her life in massive luxury, getting drunk and dancing and never ever having to shag Henry VIII ever again. Which was a ^much^ better deal than any of his other wives had.)
I didn’t cry when Amy Winehouse died but I did feel my throat catch when I read this:
“I really, really wanted her to win, to live a long life of success and money and adoration; I thought she deserved it.”
It’s a great essay. I’ve been reflecting recently on how unhealthy my teenage attitude to romance was and I think you have encapsulated here exactly why that was. I think the idea that being desired (and passively accepting) was most important was absolutely prevalent - don’t blame Jane Austen though, I think she had little choice in the matter.
In case you are interested, What She Saw... by Lucinda Rosenfeld is a pretty brutal account of messed up female thinking in this respect, and a really good read. I hadn’t thought about Amy Winehouse giving the opposite perspective before but it’s a reading I like. Thank you.
Thank you Lou. What She Saw looks GREAT, I'm on the hunt for a new book so I'll give it a go.
Lol at not blaming Austen. I mean, I do love her! Maybe I mean that the P&P model (spiky sarcastic woman unwittingly inspires lifelong adoration in richest most handsomest most morally upstanding man ever) is so seductive that I think it pulled me out of whack. Not least by trying to make sarcasm my entire personality.
What a great, GREAT essay Rowan, thank you! Absolutely never thought of AW (or TS) through this lens before. All so resonant I feel I’ve been to therapy just reading it.
I really enjoyed this essay, with the disclaimer that I know next to nothing about Winehouse. I became a Taylor Swift fan when my kids kept constantly asking to listen to her music, which I found I liked—not just for its catchiness, but for its ability to declare to even my jaded 40yo heart that vulnerability and softness do have a place in the modern woman's story. Even when vacillating between the aching hurt in songs like "All Too Well" and the sort of "put your big girl pants and get on with it" battle cry of songs like "Shake It Off," it definitely feels like a truer and fuller picture than what I grew up with. We contain multitudes, etc. etc.
I really related to this part, because it sounds like a description of my depressed, last-girl-at-the-bar 20s: "Over time my own authentic responses became harder and harder to discern, disappearing like underused muscles." I needed those stories of (maybe not passive) acceptance, and of observing quietly and analyzing what's on offer, though. My desperation to cling to *any* little crumb of attention from a man and make too much of it and ignore their actions while making all kinds of assumptions about how they must really "feel" was pitiful, and I wasted too much time on wishy-washy dudes.
It's funny, a big part of me learning how to articulate what I wanted and start setting and keeping boundaries came from watching Sense and Sensibility over and over—the story doesn't judge or condemn either sister, but it does mark wasted time and energy. And I came to see how I personally needed to be a little more Eleanor and a lot less Marianne in how I was going about things. And I also noticed that when reading P&P as a teenager, I thought Charlotte Lucas was nuts. My view softened as I got older and realized she was taking what small amount of agency she had and using it to set herself up in a secure place (even if she had to put up with a ding-dong to get it, he at least was not abusive or anything). And that many women of the time would have only been able to fantasize about such a life. It just helped me see that wild romance is fleeting and is not the only goal in life, which, tbh, was a very important lesson for 20s-me to learn! Haha.
Oh that's so interesting, thanks Tess. I loved 'vulnerability and softness do have a place in the modern woman's story' - yes, yes of course they do. Also hard relate to 'last-girl-at-the-bar'!
Yes Charlotte Lucas is such a wonderful mini-story. As you say, at first you think she's an object of pity. And then as you re-read and get older, you start to think - hang on, I'd much rather be Charlotte than Lydia, or Kitty. At least Charlotte *knows* what her prison looks like, and made an active, well informed choice. (Also makes me think about Ann of Cleves, Henry VIII's 4th wife - for centuries we've all thought of her as 'poor Ann who wasn't pretty enough for Henry' but in fact she lived the rest of her life in massive luxury, getting drunk and dancing and never ever having to shag Henry VIII ever again. Which was a ^much^ better deal than any of his other wives had.)
I must re-read S&S!
I didn’t cry when Amy Winehouse died but I did feel my throat catch when I read this:
“I really, really wanted her to win, to live a long life of success and money and adoration; I thought she deserved it.”
It’s a great essay. I’ve been reflecting recently on how unhealthy my teenage attitude to romance was and I think you have encapsulated here exactly why that was. I think the idea that being desired (and passively accepting) was most important was absolutely prevalent - don’t blame Jane Austen though, I think she had little choice in the matter.
In case you are interested, What She Saw... by Lucinda Rosenfeld is a pretty brutal account of messed up female thinking in this respect, and a really good read. I hadn’t thought about Amy Winehouse giving the opposite perspective before but it’s a reading I like. Thank you.
Thank you Lou. What She Saw looks GREAT, I'm on the hunt for a new book so I'll give it a go.
Lol at not blaming Austen. I mean, I do love her! Maybe I mean that the P&P model (spiky sarcastic woman unwittingly inspires lifelong adoration in richest most handsomest most morally upstanding man ever) is so seductive that I think it pulled me out of whack. Not least by trying to make sarcasm my entire personality.
What a great, GREAT essay Rowan, thank you! Absolutely never thought of AW (or TS) through this lens before. All so resonant I feel I’ve been to therapy just reading it.
Ha! Thank you Jenny. Tbh I felt like I'd been to therapy after writing it too