Reading this made my blood boil, yet at the same time I found myself cheering you on, Rowan. Brilliantly written and speaks to the heart of women everywhere. I can think of at least three minor sexual incidents I’ve experienced and quietly buried, and I suspect many women can do the same. We seem to be conditioned to brush it off, turn the other cheek, carry on and not make a fuss, as if silence is the price of getting through the day. Speaking up is powerful and it takes real courage. The real shift happens when the shame changes sides, when it no longer sits with the woman but with the perpetrator. I keep thinking of extraordinary Gisèle Pelicot, who has spoken publicly after being raped by multiple men and refused to hide. Her name deserves to be known and remembered, because that kind of bravery moves the dial for all of us.
Thank you. Gisèle Pelicot is immense. I'm just not sure this kind of man responds to shame or moral reasoning (or the threat of punishment tbh). But I wouldn't want to take anything away from what she's done.
I challenged a delivery driver who gave me bad vibes. It was on private property but nonetheless he whipped out his phone and began filming -- punishment for having the audacity to ask him what he was doing, and not take sexist abuse for an answer. He published it to the village Facebook page (okay, I posted first -- a warning that he'd really upset and unnerved me with his unprofessional behaviour) and I was subjected to a pile-on by the local chavs. This included chavvy women who gain their social status via their criminal menfolk. A week ago a neighbour sent me an old newspaper clipping. This "decent guy just trying to do his job" had a string of serious convictions. I was right not to want him anywhere near my property. Trust your gut, ladies, and don't show fear.
This is such a good piece, Rowan. Thank you for writing it. I feel fortunate to have never been put in a position as awful and dangerous as this and I really wish that could be true for all women. I have many thoughts on this and the way the world I grew up in has impacted my ideas about sex and relationships to such an extent that I can’t even fathom it, but I find it impossible to articulate them.
On a side note, this brought to mind Naomi Alderman’s The Power which I actually rather disliked but keep coming back to. It distracts a bit from your message but I’m curious to know what you think of it.
Thank you. Yes, the point about being affected so that you almost can't fathom the extent of it - that's part of what's been playing on my mind.
I read The Power years ago and quite quickly, so maybe this isn't fair, but from what I remember I didn't much like it either. The premise seemed to be, essentially, that given the same cultural and physical power, women would behave in exactly the same way as the minority of men do now. Which I a) instinctively don't believe (can only ever be a guess of course) and b) seemed a bit dull! But it sold huge numbers, so what do I know.
Yeah, that was my main problem but it did make me consider more carefully how fundamentally different men and women are, or whether women are considered more empathic and conciliatory because they are skills they have had to develop as the physically weaker sex. I found the story rather grimy overall but that idea has played on my mind ever since.
Righteous anger. Compounded by my rage that women are being told we are no longer entitled to the things we fought for to allow us to move about the world with a degree of safety from "the outer edge of male sexuality". We are not protected on Swansea beach but perhaps we could be in our work places or our changing rooms or our sports? No. Because some men wanted those things for themselves and because some people haven't realised that they want them for the precise same reason you touch on here - the outer edge of male sexuality.
The same thing happened to me when I was 20 on Swansea beach. I was walking up the beach on my own and passed a man walking the other way and he got his willy out and announced that he was having a wank. I walked away very quickly. It was early December and snowing, so he was a very determined pervert. He had dark hair, was around 40 and had an Eastern European accent. I wonder whether he met your pervert and thought that wanking in front of young women on the beach was a local custom?
Great piece of work Ro
Reading this made my blood boil, yet at the same time I found myself cheering you on, Rowan. Brilliantly written and speaks to the heart of women everywhere. I can think of at least three minor sexual incidents I’ve experienced and quietly buried, and I suspect many women can do the same. We seem to be conditioned to brush it off, turn the other cheek, carry on and not make a fuss, as if silence is the price of getting through the day. Speaking up is powerful and it takes real courage. The real shift happens when the shame changes sides, when it no longer sits with the woman but with the perpetrator. I keep thinking of extraordinary Gisèle Pelicot, who has spoken publicly after being raped by multiple men and refused to hide. Her name deserves to be known and remembered, because that kind of bravery moves the dial for all of us.
Thank you. Gisèle Pelicot is immense. I'm just not sure this kind of man responds to shame or moral reasoning (or the threat of punishment tbh). But I wouldn't want to take anything away from what she's done.
I challenged a delivery driver who gave me bad vibes. It was on private property but nonetheless he whipped out his phone and began filming -- punishment for having the audacity to ask him what he was doing, and not take sexist abuse for an answer. He published it to the village Facebook page (okay, I posted first -- a warning that he'd really upset and unnerved me with his unprofessional behaviour) and I was subjected to a pile-on by the local chavs. This included chavvy women who gain their social status via their criminal menfolk. A week ago a neighbour sent me an old newspaper clipping. This "decent guy just trying to do his job" had a string of serious convictions. I was right not to want him anywhere near my property. Trust your gut, ladies, and don't show fear.
I've had a few of those neck-prickle moments, and they're so horrible.
This is such a good piece, Rowan. Thank you for writing it. I feel fortunate to have never been put in a position as awful and dangerous as this and I really wish that could be true for all women. I have many thoughts on this and the way the world I grew up in has impacted my ideas about sex and relationships to such an extent that I can’t even fathom it, but I find it impossible to articulate them.
On a side note, this brought to mind Naomi Alderman’s The Power which I actually rather disliked but keep coming back to. It distracts a bit from your message but I’m curious to know what you think of it.
Thank you. Yes, the point about being affected so that you almost can't fathom the extent of it - that's part of what's been playing on my mind.
I read The Power years ago and quite quickly, so maybe this isn't fair, but from what I remember I didn't much like it either. The premise seemed to be, essentially, that given the same cultural and physical power, women would behave in exactly the same way as the minority of men do now. Which I a) instinctively don't believe (can only ever be a guess of course) and b) seemed a bit dull! But it sold huge numbers, so what do I know.
Yeah, that was my main problem but it did make me consider more carefully how fundamentally different men and women are, or whether women are considered more empathic and conciliatory because they are skills they have had to develop as the physically weaker sex. I found the story rather grimy overall but that idea has played on my mind ever since.
Courageous writing
Righteous anger. Compounded by my rage that women are being told we are no longer entitled to the things we fought for to allow us to move about the world with a degree of safety from "the outer edge of male sexuality". We are not protected on Swansea beach but perhaps we could be in our work places or our changing rooms or our sports? No. Because some men wanted those things for themselves and because some people haven't realised that they want them for the precise same reason you touch on here - the outer edge of male sexuality.
PS, encountered the same thing on Floral Street in London one January years ago. Some men are very broken and we can never know which ones.
The same thing happened to me when I was 20 on Swansea beach. I was walking up the beach on my own and passed a man walking the other way and he got his willy out and announced that he was having a wank. I walked away very quickly. It was early December and snowing, so he was a very determined pervert. He had dark hair, was around 40 and had an Eastern European accent. I wonder whether he met your pervert and thought that wanking in front of young women on the beach was a local custom?